Zargothrax “Declares War” on Salad Land; Invades with “Cat Army”

King Shapur XIV of Zargothrax has issued a formal declaration of war on Salad Land, and has deployed a number of units of the Thraxian Army “comprised of cats” to the island nation. On Thursday, four Thraxian naval ships entered Saladian waters, landing “about 10,000 cats” on the beaches of Salad Land. Three of the ships then fled, with a fourth being captured alongside its total crew compliment of approximately 50 humans and 200 cats.

The “war” began after a number of “quick, bitey” lizards escaped from a Thraxian ship into Salad Land in June, in violation of Saladian laws on dangerous animals. The lizards had been collected for delivery to King Shapur to use in “science experiments”; with the ship stopping overnight to refuel. However, after the escape of the lizards, the ship – the Cosmic Paragon – was impounded. A week ago, on Sunday 13th, Shapur sent around 100 hawks to Salad Land to “eat the lizards”.

In response, the Marquis de Salad wrote a formal letter to King Shapur which, among other things, used the phrase “a pox on your cats”, leading the King to officially declare war. King Shapur has been overprotective of both his own cats, and cats in general, after being released from hospital in March and stating that a “vision from God” had instructed him to adopt twelve cats for the purposes of preventing an alleged upcoming apocalypse of unknown cause.

After the declaration of war, the Marquis gave a speech to the people of Salad Land, calling on them to defend their island against Thraxian attack – but none of the Saladian defenders expected what they were faced with. A short “naval battle” took place, with Saladian ships spraying Thraxian ships with water in an attempt to anger the cats on board. This was effective, however as cats turned on their human compatriots, a Thraxian ship unintentionally rammed a smaller Saladian one, causing damage.

There have so far been no human casualties during the “war”, however around five lizards have been killed by “friendly fire” in the form of cat and hawk jaws. Salad Land also has two Thraxian ships impounded, alongside 80 human Prisoners of War, and around 2,000 cat “POWs”. Three lizards have also been captured by the 33-day-old “Salad Land Lizard Capture Service” – led by Yousef Chaher, the son of former Lauchenoirian dictator Suleman Chaher.

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